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So you probably already know.
Mondeo went. SMX arrived.
I've been trying to buy one for a while. After seeing Akina's at JAE 2010 I knew I had to own one. I even tried to buy his, but he wouldn't let me. So I bought other stuff instead.
Then about a year later, I tried to buy it again, but he STILL wouldn't let me, so I got the Mondeo.
Having spent nearly 2 years in Ford ownership I was getting tired of stuff not breaking or going wrong, so it was decided - need another Honda.
Nothing on earth allows you to create unnecessary endless shopping lists of stuff like a Honda does. I missed that. Be it a reservoir sock or a magnetic sump bolt, there's always SOMETHING else that you could be buying and spending your monies on.
Now before we get down to it - this isn't a car for you performance jockeys. In fact it's not a car for anyone who cares anything about car design really. It impresses no one, and people tend to feel a touch bilious when they see it. They don't find it amusing or cute, it's just "there". As such, this is the perfect car for my persona. I rejoice in the fact people don't know what it is, and even when you tell them they want to argue with you about the fact they think it's awful. The reason for this is that I'm an attention seeking d!ck.
So anyway. I thrashed out a deal with the owner of this little misery box via email, and then went down to Stafford Services (the second best services after Corley on the lower M6) to get it. On the way I saw a Renault Scenic on fire with a family next to it on the hard shoulder. I LOLd. Idiots.
This is it:
It's an S-MX. Which, as you all know, stands for "Street Movement Xtra". And that's not having a poo on the pavement, it's a really cool and funky car thing. That's what it is.
And it's not just an S-MX either. Oh no, this is the even more rarerer version - the 'Lowdown'. Which means lower suspension, THAT bodykit, and orange bits inside. That's right - they're not aftermarket, they're OEM motherfvckers.
Fell in love with it. And after a short lesson in where everything is on it, I drove it home.
First impressions.
It's fvcking stupid. You cannot drive it in any other manner other than that of a man who is stoned. It's a 2.0 litre auto with an unnecessarily long column shifter. Shares the running gear from a CRV apparently, which of course are much praised for their handling characteristics. Within 10 seconds you realise its limitations, so you never question them again. In that respect it's a fairly level and open relationship you have with it.
Seating - in the front you have 2 seats, technically. But they are too all intents and purposes joined. You can fvck off the person next to you if you don't like them by lowering an integral arm rest to send a clear message. More on this arm rest later as it's dual use.
The seats themselves are exactly the same as the garden bench swing I have at home. Comfy yes, but not for driving from. However you sit in it you cannot get comfortable to drive. As a passenger it's awesome. Driving though - terrible. I'm tall, and I find the steering wheel position even when in the lowest setting, stupidly too high. If you want to rest your hand on the top of the wheel like the badass you are, it ends up level with your face. So you look like a mong.
In terms of lateral support for cornering etc. There isn't any. And I mean none. Your Nan's Micra in comparison feels like it has the seat from a BTCC car.
If you attempt to go around corners too fast. And by "too fast" I mean "over 10mph", you just slide off the seat into the door.
The armrest I have found though, gives you the chance to use it as a brace for cornering. Just grab it and don't let go, and you can get to at least 12mph around corners. If you're turning right you can just lean on it like a boss.
When you're not driving, all the seats fold down totally flat so that you can live in the car after whatever Tsunami has just hit Japan. There's even a ludicrously large cupboard with drinks holder and a tray on top next to the rear seat.
There are also 408 other cupboards and cubby holes and things all around the place. You can lose everything in here all the time.
Oh and doors - why bother having 2 at the back on BOTH sides? Stupid really isn't it? just have 2 on the passenger side and one on the driver's side. Much better.
For no reason whatsoever, there is also a light under the front seats. It's not in anything like a light holder or such, it's just dangling there on a wire of about 2cm looking purposeful. No idea how to turn it on.
Controls - very easy. All the usual features. Roasting hot "fires of hell" heater, or "YOU WILL DIE ON EVEREST" ice cold. There is a setting in between these two, but it's lies just designed to trick you. Roast or freeze. You chose.
There's a key slot on top of the steering column. Don't know what that's for. Airbag on or off you say? NO. I thought that too.
2 switches on the dashboard. With green lights on. They do nothing. I've checked. But I still think they might do something. Surely they must.
I've already started the modding. First up were new rear drop links, an air con recharge, removal of the heat-shield that was hanging off like dead skin and a full fluid and filter change.
Going mental, I changed the 80000w bulbs that had been forced into the headlights and subsequently melted the plugs (now also replaced) with some Osram Nightbreaker ones. Mainly because they sound fvcking awesome. Don't know if they actually make any difference but I feel great about them.
I've also ordered a thing to change from KMH to MPH because while I'm stationary and under no pressure I can do the maths to convert my speed instantly. But heading towards a speed camera that sh!t gets forgotten real quick and I end up going past them at a crawl in absolute terror.
Some joker had written MPH speeds on bits of masking tape and put these on the dial but they've faded over the years so now just look like text from a fake treasure map you made when you were 7 using cold tea stains.
The tyres on there are from the smallest cheapest industrial unit from a workshop 15 hours north of Shanghai. They are technically rubber but have the consistency of wood. Even in a 138bhp automatic you can light the motherfvckers up for circa 5 seconds if you stamp on the accelerator (I use that world loosely) from standstill.
As much as I like the EP3 wheels on there they're going. I've decided upon different ones that will be wrapped in Nankang's finest NS2 ULTRASPORT in a heady display of carefree abandon. I'm off to pick them up from a chap called Hassan tomorrow. Before 3:00pm as he has to pick up his wife at that time.
In short, this is the best car I have ever owned. It promises nothing so you can never feel short changed or annoyed, you can't get angry in it anyway as it's so weird to drive. It's built by madmen and was given the go ahead by lunatics. You can't buy any spares for it anywhere really as no one wants one. And it's just brilliantly ridiculous.
I can tell already that I'll love and hate it in equal measure and I just don't care.
Oh and the best thing - when I collected it and got the V5, saw the last owner's name on it - it was Akina. The very same one that I had tried to buy. Twice.
And for an encore, I've also been told that he even had sex in it. Which just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
And I also love the fact I now own something JDM. Because it gives me even more licence to act like a d!ck.
Mondeo went. SMX arrived.
I've been trying to buy one for a while. After seeing Akina's at JAE 2010 I knew I had to own one. I even tried to buy his, but he wouldn't let me. So I bought other stuff instead.
Then about a year later, I tried to buy it again, but he STILL wouldn't let me, so I got the Mondeo.
Having spent nearly 2 years in Ford ownership I was getting tired of stuff not breaking or going wrong, so it was decided - need another Honda.
Nothing on earth allows you to create unnecessary endless shopping lists of stuff like a Honda does. I missed that. Be it a reservoir sock or a magnetic sump bolt, there's always SOMETHING else that you could be buying and spending your monies on.
Now before we get down to it - this isn't a car for you performance jockeys. In fact it's not a car for anyone who cares anything about car design really. It impresses no one, and people tend to feel a touch bilious when they see it. They don't find it amusing or cute, it's just "there". As such, this is the perfect car for my persona. I rejoice in the fact people don't know what it is, and even when you tell them they want to argue with you about the fact they think it's awful. The reason for this is that I'm an attention seeking d!ck.
So anyway. I thrashed out a deal with the owner of this little misery box via email, and then went down to Stafford Services (the second best services after Corley on the lower M6) to get it. On the way I saw a Renault Scenic on fire with a family next to it on the hard shoulder. I LOLd. Idiots.
This is it:
It's an S-MX. Which, as you all know, stands for "Street Movement Xtra". And that's not having a poo on the pavement, it's a really cool and funky car thing. That's what it is.
And it's not just an S-MX either. Oh no, this is the even more rarerer version - the 'Lowdown'. Which means lower suspension, THAT bodykit, and orange bits inside. That's right - they're not aftermarket, they're OEM motherfvckers.
Fell in love with it. And after a short lesson in where everything is on it, I drove it home.
First impressions.
It's fvcking stupid. You cannot drive it in any other manner other than that of a man who is stoned. It's a 2.0 litre auto with an unnecessarily long column shifter. Shares the running gear from a CRV apparently, which of course are much praised for their handling characteristics. Within 10 seconds you realise its limitations, so you never question them again. In that respect it's a fairly level and open relationship you have with it.
Seating - in the front you have 2 seats, technically. But they are too all intents and purposes joined. You can fvck off the person next to you if you don't like them by lowering an integral arm rest to send a clear message. More on this arm rest later as it's dual use.
The seats themselves are exactly the same as the garden bench swing I have at home. Comfy yes, but not for driving from. However you sit in it you cannot get comfortable to drive. As a passenger it's awesome. Driving though - terrible. I'm tall, and I find the steering wheel position even when in the lowest setting, stupidly too high. If you want to rest your hand on the top of the wheel like the badass you are, it ends up level with your face. So you look like a mong.
In terms of lateral support for cornering etc. There isn't any. And I mean none. Your Nan's Micra in comparison feels like it has the seat from a BTCC car.
If you attempt to go around corners too fast. And by "too fast" I mean "over 10mph", you just slide off the seat into the door.
The armrest I have found though, gives you the chance to use it as a brace for cornering. Just grab it and don't let go, and you can get to at least 12mph around corners. If you're turning right you can just lean on it like a boss.
When you're not driving, all the seats fold down totally flat so that you can live in the car after whatever Tsunami has just hit Japan. There's even a ludicrously large cupboard with drinks holder and a tray on top next to the rear seat.
There are also 408 other cupboards and cubby holes and things all around the place. You can lose everything in here all the time.
Oh and doors - why bother having 2 at the back on BOTH sides? Stupid really isn't it? just have 2 on the passenger side and one on the driver's side. Much better.
For no reason whatsoever, there is also a light under the front seats. It's not in anything like a light holder or such, it's just dangling there on a wire of about 2cm looking purposeful. No idea how to turn it on.
Controls - very easy. All the usual features. Roasting hot "fires of hell" heater, or "YOU WILL DIE ON EVEREST" ice cold. There is a setting in between these two, but it's lies just designed to trick you. Roast or freeze. You chose.
There's a key slot on top of the steering column. Don't know what that's for. Airbag on or off you say? NO. I thought that too.
2 switches on the dashboard. With green lights on. They do nothing. I've checked. But I still think they might do something. Surely they must.
I've already started the modding. First up were new rear drop links, an air con recharge, removal of the heat-shield that was hanging off like dead skin and a full fluid and filter change.
Going mental, I changed the 80000w bulbs that had been forced into the headlights and subsequently melted the plugs (now also replaced) with some Osram Nightbreaker ones. Mainly because they sound fvcking awesome. Don't know if they actually make any difference but I feel great about them.
I've also ordered a thing to change from KMH to MPH because while I'm stationary and under no pressure I can do the maths to convert my speed instantly. But heading towards a speed camera that sh!t gets forgotten real quick and I end up going past them at a crawl in absolute terror.
Some joker had written MPH speeds on bits of masking tape and put these on the dial but they've faded over the years so now just look like text from a fake treasure map you made when you were 7 using cold tea stains.
The tyres on there are from the smallest cheapest industrial unit from a workshop 15 hours north of Shanghai. They are technically rubber but have the consistency of wood. Even in a 138bhp automatic you can light the motherfvckers up for circa 5 seconds if you stamp on the accelerator (I use that world loosely) from standstill.
As much as I like the EP3 wheels on there they're going. I've decided upon different ones that will be wrapped in Nankang's finest NS2 ULTRASPORT in a heady display of carefree abandon. I'm off to pick them up from a chap called Hassan tomorrow. Before 3:00pm as he has to pick up his wife at that time.
In short, this is the best car I have ever owned. It promises nothing so you can never feel short changed or annoyed, you can't get angry in it anyway as it's so weird to drive. It's built by madmen and was given the go ahead by lunatics. You can't buy any spares for it anywhere really as no one wants one. And it's just brilliantly ridiculous.
I can tell already that I'll love and hate it in equal measure and I just don't care.
Oh and the best thing - when I collected it and got the V5, saw the last owner's name on it - it was Akina. The very same one that I had tried to buy. Twice.
And for an encore, I've also been told that he even had sex in it. Which just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
And I also love the fact I now own something JDM. Because it gives me even more licence to act like a d!ck.
